dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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