u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
