nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
worst night to have a conscience
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
