you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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