headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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