I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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