I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
