i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
