id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
