yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
smell my finger.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
