I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Buhtt sex?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
