went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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