Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
