so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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