I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
