After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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