i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
