you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
