her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize