his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
