Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
