I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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