You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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