You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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