guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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