Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Panties = found
Randomize
