I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
