I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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