Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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