I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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