My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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