Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
