lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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