Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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