I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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