Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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