I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
