who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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