Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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