I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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