Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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