I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So much Jack, so little girl.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
