Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
