I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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