I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
