I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
