dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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