I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize