Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
