so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
