perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
