My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
