i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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