i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
