Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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