Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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