The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
