i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
