i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
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