By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize