apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
