Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
