Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
