That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
