I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
