Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
